Navigating the Panda Express steam counter seems to be straight forward and rather simple, I’m here to tell you my friends, the madness is deep, fraught with deception and glazed in an orange sauce.
They want you to think that you have choices. That you have certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Fried Rice, Chow Mein or half in half if that constitutes your pursuit of Happiness. That you are free to build your meal as you see fit. Even if you go with the never fluffy white rice and unseasoned vegetables. The choice is yours, so it seems….
Have you ever wondered why they ask you to order your entire plate without looking at the food?
Simply put, Gastrocommunism.
“Welcome to Panda Express can I force you into choices with my subliminal way of making you feel like you are holding up the line?”
Shit Mihn, can I have a second to ingest my surroundings, I’m still recovering from the snail trail of stench peeling off the 300 pound woman in front of me.
Why are there 12 pans but only 4 items available? Why is the menu board so big, but no items are listed? Why are there fake vegetables in a clear cooler door? Why does my server look like Rocky? (Not the boxer)
I could go on, I could name names, but I won’t. Being blacklisted is not on the menu. I could tell you a story of Hop Sing and a copy of The Daily Worker, but Ms. Benes and Oogway would make big trouble in little China for me, so I digress.
Why do they do this?
The answer is rather simple. You are Bovine Americanus, fattened on the Demopublican teat, filled with lie flavored Tea. You are workers bees in an economic hive, built on opiate-black fame-honey ipollen. Your greed and need for NOW leads you down a flavor injected, pseudo cuisine highway patrolled by a fried chicken swingin’ dollar burger pushin’ trans fat hustling pimp. Pre-fab pre-frozen pre-cooked and for an extra few bucks they will eat it, digest it and shit for you!
So, being the Good Shepherd I am, I have decided to school you pups on how to get the most bang for your buck with a few helpful strategies’ for you to use the next time you confront, the communist planted Express Cell known as Panda.
Always order Togo. Doing otherwise will reduce you plate by 20%. This is a scientific fact.
Always order the 3 item plate. Nothing reheats better than Chinese food.
If going half and half, always tell them rice first, then, in mid scoop say half and half. This will give you maximum rice and Chow Mein as Chow Mein first will fill your section leaving you with barley one scoop of rice on top and slightly to the side.
Item order is essential. Large to small with no exceptions.
Learn to recognize food size e.g. Beef & Broccoli is large because the broccoli heads take up space. Whereas Kung Pao is small, because of the diced prep. By ordering the B&B first and the Kung Pao last. The Kung Pao will be served in the side box maximizing the volume.
Never fall for the egg roll or the battered shrimp. They are greasy and if you look, there is no egg in the roll and the shrimp is 1/16 the size of the batter.
Always ask for more chili sauce and soy no matter how much they initially give you. (This is part of my Give up the sauce movement)
Now for the Review:
Parking: 4 BONES. Ample parking with 2 handicap spots. No complaints here.
Service: 1 BONE. Way too nice. Call me mild grump, maybe like the Grinch if he smoked herb, but I like my servers to smile and serve, that’s it. Too much teeth and yes sir no sir can get a bit nauseating.
Price: 2 BONES. Follow my tips and you can feed 2 people for under $8.
Food: 2 BONES. For what it is, it’s good, for that same reason I can’t give it 4. Find a Panda Inn just sayin’.
Big Dogs Final Bite: 2.25 BONES. You can’t expect much from fast food, but you can expect to get your money worth and decent service. Panda Express fails, but it’s not an epic fail. Go in with low expectations and walk out happy every time!
